Coping, Moving on, and Accepting what has happened...
I feel like I’m in a constant whirlwind, telling the story, explaining what happened, answering questions. The more we talk to our friends the more we find out that a lot of them lost multiple babies prior to finally getting pregnant.
I personally lost with my ex-husband. The scenario just wasn’t as intense- he really didn’t care. I mean- he did care, and he was hurt- but he seemed to just get over it quickly and move on. We all deal with things differently so I can’t fault him for anything.
Regardless- I know and realize what its like to lose. Miscarriage is a tough, tough things.
Answering the questions now has been the toughest part- having to tell our friends, and family- but we’ve had a lot of support.
On October 7, 2009 (the same day Lillie died) we found out we were going to have a baby. It hit us both like a ton of bricks- a new relationship, a family, we really didn’t feel ready and we were worried but we were happy. Our relationship has progressed quickly. I’ve never felt so close to a person in my life- we share everything. I know every inch of his body and learn every inch of his soul on a daily basis.
We’re both adults- we were ready to start our forever and we had plans to do it right- and raise the little Beenesprout to the best of our ability.
My life went from $1 PBR nights to drinking tons of water, taking my prenatals and eliminating every bad toxin from my body. Josh’s life went into a state of “must provide”. He was in it from day one.
On Saturday October 10, I went to the emergency room for my first visit (which would wind up being one of many). I had severe abdominal pain, light spotting, and we knew we were pregnant. So I was freaked. It was at that appointment that the doctors first brought up the topics: ectopic pregnancy, threatened miscarriage, and a potential RH Factor issue. I had a transvaginal ultrasound, a traditional ultrasound, and a multitude of blood tests. My HCG level was low- it was a brand new pregnancy- in fact we were at about 33 days at that point. My blood tests revealed an HCG level in the 250s. Doctors cannot see a baby via ultrasound of any type until the 1500-2000 range so we had a ways to go.
At this point we were told that each day my HCG levels should begin to double every 48 hours.
We were advised to follow up with my OBGYN, so on Monday October 12 we were excited to find out that my numbers had risen and were at 760. Awesome, the downside was that my doctor wasn’t pleased with my progesterone levels- they were around 5 and she said a healthy pregnancy needed to rest around 10. I was prescribed progesterone which I began taking on October 13. Ideally, this would help my ovaries to support the baby(s) until my body could do it naturally.
On October 14th- my pain increased again- and I was cramping. I remember going to the ER and the doctor laughing that my spotting and slight cramping were normal. I stressed to her I just didn’t feel normal. They again tested my blood levels and it was nice to see them up to 1053. Another transvaginal ultrasound was done- and of course because the numbers were borderline the doctors saw nothing. (This was normal- as we were dealing in a very early pregnancy). But I was anxious- I wanted to be reassured that the little Beene was safe and sound in my belly.
From the 14th until the 19th I continued my daily regimen of prenatals, progesterone and taking care of my body- but I was on bed rest: no sex (which was one of the hardest things because my changing hormones sent my sex drive into a craze- it was pretty much all I wanted), no lifting, no exercise, no work. It was tough.
On the 19th I fainted, and either fell down the stairs or fainted at the bottom of the stairs as I was checking to make sure Josh had taken out the trash. I’m not sure how long I was out- but I consulted my pregnancy book and looked into fainting and it said that both fainting and weakness were normal so I tried to just let it go and wait for my first ultrasound where we’d see the Beene on October 23- we were so close to that appointment.
On the 20th the pain from the fall set in and Josh started to get concerned. I assured him I’d be fine and I remained in bed, got my rest and did what I should.
The morning of the 21st I fainted in the kitchen while attempting to pack Josh’s lunch for work. It was at that point he forced me to go to the hospital. I was taken into the trauma unit of the ER- mainly for the fall. But as they ran more tests it was determined my HCG level was around 3500- it wasn’t as high as it should be, but it was high enough that the doctors should have been able to see some sort of something on the 3rd transvaginal ultrasound- and potentially in a normal one. BUT- they saw nothing.
I still had a strong belief that everything would be ok- and maybe we just had a case of slow to show. When the doctor put me on morphine for my pain and broke the news that he believed I was experiencing either a tubal pregnancy or miscarriage we were both devastated. I was moved to a more private room and then examined by one of the best OBGYNs in Chattanooga- she advised me that she strongly believed that my pregnancy wasn’t viable- and that I’d lose the baby regardless.
I was presented with two options: a medication called Methotrexate which would terminate the pregnancy anywhere in my body. Because they couldn’t find the baby in my tubes or in my uterus (due to its small size during this stage of development) I couldn’t morally agree to the drug- so our decision was surgery. Josh was terrified- he kept explaining to me that I was more important than the baby(s). He wanted me safe. It didn’t take me long explaining my internal feeling that the pregnancy just wasn’t tubal for him to agree.
I was admitted to the hospital for observation overnight- as the doctor was concerned if it was a tubal pregnancy it could be deadly if I left and it ruptured. Early the morning of October 22 I had surgery. It was laparoscopic, one small incision on my belly button and one on my right side in my lower abdomen. They found nothing and I was actually able to go home that day- where I would wait it out until a Monday morning follow up with the OBGYN.
Monday morning, October 26 I woke up excited and confident that we’d finally see our baby- only when I went to the bathroom- I was met with bleeding- much heavier bleeding than I’d yet experienced. It was at that point I kind of knew. I could feel it. My miscarriage started then, and because of the loss of multiple babies it lasted for a while- in fact I’m still experiencing heavy bleeding and pain today.
I haven’t yet had my follow-up appointment. Mainly I’m dealing now with grief and pain management.
I don’t want to give up on this blog for multiple reasons. Ultimately Josh and I have decided we’d love to have babies together one day. But also I realized that the grief process and the steps that you go through physically and mentally following the loss of a baby is difficult and sad. Its an experience many people go through and I want to document my life as I move past this, and start researching, and learning more about miscarriage, pregnancy, and infertility issues.
Though we lost these babies- it still opened the doors for me to share my experience and welcome the experiences of others.
I think this helps to piece together what happened.
Our loss was tough, but ultimately God had a plan for us, soon enough we’ll see his plan.
Until then this isn’t just a blog I want to stop.
